Insecurities
by Keija
Summary: Short Jadzia/Julian ficlet I found when I was going through old disks. Written somewhere in 1998 (I think). J/J shippy.


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Author: Katya/Shyla Dax (katalei@hotmail.com)

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Title: Insecurities (Ficlet, 1/1).  
**Cat/Stat:** Jadzia/Julian, Complete, Rough.  
**Disclaimer:** Characters = not mine. Story = mine.  
**Archiving:** If y'like, just mail me first & keep the fic intact, as it is here.  


=/\=

It was a strange twist of fate that had brought them to where they were now she mused, reaching out to brush strands of dark hair off his face. A twist of fate she was very grateful to now and always would be. She still mourned for Worf's death, but it hadn't prevented her from living. Dax was over three hundred years old. The symbiont had watched people its hosts loved die in the past, and would again in the future. *Just gods, please don't let it be him* she thought as her eyes fell upon her companion, throat tightening at the thought. As though sensing her fears the figure next to her stirred, opening sleepy dark eyes and blinking at her.

  
"Jadzia?" he asked softly, his voice rough from just awakening as he reached out to brush his fingers against her cheek. "Are you alright?" Jadzia took a deep breath and forced herself to speak past the tightness in her throat, ignoring as best she could the tears stinging her eyes, threatening to fall. *Julian is _not_ going to die* she reminded herself firmly.

  
"I'm fine Julian," she lied, knowing any sleep she got tonight would be filled with nightmares. "Go back to sleep," she added softly, remembering how hard he had been working lately. Not that they all hadn't. But Julian was the only real medical doctor that Deep Space Nine - and the Defiant - had and he was forced to cover everything, which often left him exausted. Jadzia had always known his job could be difficult and demanding but it wasn't until recently - when they started spending all their time together - that she realised just _how_ bad it could get.

  
Bashir shifted so he could sit up and face her, his dark eyes holding her blue even in the dim light. "What's the matter?" he asked softly, letting her adjust her position so she could curl into his lap, her head resting against his shoulder. He watched the slim Trill as the emotions flickered across her face, waiting for her to tell what was wrong. Julian knew her well enough to know that he had to wait for her to talk, he couldn't try and force her to tell him or she'd back off.

  
"I need you to make me a promise."

  
Jadzia's voice was barely loud enough for him to hear, despite how close they were sitting. Julian opted to nod his head instead of answering, unwilling to break the almost-silence they were sitting in. The air around them seemed heavier, tenser. Julian could feel the tension in Jadzia's body as she considered the promise she was about to extract from him. He knew he'd promise her, no matter what it was.

  
"It sounds silly," she spoke finally, her voice loud in the silent room even though she was speaking quietly. She gave a slightly embarrassed laugh at herself and he squeezed her gently in a reassuring hug. She looked up so her crystal blue eyes met his darker brown. "I need you to promise me.." she hesitated then ploughed on. "Don't die on me..." she spoke with tears forming in her eyes and his heart broke to see her so upset.

  
"Jadzia, I won't leave you. I promise," he brushed his lips across hers, not resisting when she deepened the kiss into one of a desperate passion, and a deep rooted fear. When they broke apart he could see her cheeks were wet with the tears that had been held inside. He reached up to brush them from her cheek, her eyes closing as she leant into the gentle touch.

"I'm just afraid..." she whispered, held within his protective embrace. Julian understood that well enough. The threat that the Dominian were had most of Starfleet in uproar. And DS9 was the first line of defense, hardly a safe - or easy - place to live and work these days. Everyone was so tense, so worried that the next day would be the last.

  
"We're all afraid Jadzia," he whispered soothingly. "Deep Space Nine isn't the easiest place to be right now."

  
"If I lose you it'll kill me," she spoke quietly and her eyes when she raised them to meet his were deadly serious. Julian wanted to protest that she would be fine, whether or not he was there, but he didn't. Instead he held her tighter, feeling her grip on him increase. How could he disagree with what he himself thought? If he lost Jadzia...he didn't want to think what would happen. He'd never be able to go on with his life if she was gone from it. To not see her playful smile, to not wake up next to her anymore, to not be able to touch and hold her. He closed his eyes against the thoughts. It wasn't the first time he'd thought them, but he didn't want them again. He forced himself to focus on Jadzia, alive and well in his arms, her breathing heavier than normal - as if she was trying to fight off tears. He drew back so he could see into her eyes, crystal blue and clear, they showed her fear and near panic at the direction her thoughts were taking.

  
"Jadzia..." he spoke firmly and quietly this time. "Neither of us is going to die, I promise you that." Inwardly he prayed he could keep that promise. In the ever changing and ever threatening world around them, it wasn't going to be an easy one. He lay down, bringing her with him and waiting till she had comfortably arranged herself - her head pillowed on his shoulder, one arm wrapped around his waist. He kissed her softly and felt her body start to relax - believing his words, responding to his actions. "Try and sleep," he added in a soft whisper into her ear.

"I love you Julian."

  
Her voice was starting to sound drowsy, her breathing becoming deeper, more even.

  
"I love you too Jadzia."

  
He could tell the exact moment that she fell asleep and he smiled slightly. She looked even more beautiful when she was sleeping. Long dark hair falling in a tousled mass over both of them, long lashes dark against pale skin. His expression turned troubled as he stared out of the window, the thoughts she'd planted in his mind refusing to give him the luxury of sleep. He checked the chronometer - 03:07 - and sighed softly. The promise he'd made Jadzia had allowed her mind to rest, to sleep. But his continued to work at lightspeed, and he knew that this wasn't going to go away. His fear for her safety was increasing by the second and he forced it down to acceptable levels. Jadzia was safe here in his arms, he didn't need to worry. Which didn't stop him.

  
The Dominian was here. And they seemed determined to stay.

=/\=

DS9, Dax & Bashir © TPTB.

Ficlet 'storyline' (ha.) © Katya Dax, 2002.


End file.
